英語經典爆笑笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，以供大家學習參考。

　　：老師哭了

　　The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on***溺愛，寵愛*** him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum***亂髮脾氣*** . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

　　六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：“學校怎麼樣?你過的好嗎?哭了沒有?”“哭?”約翰問，“不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。”

　　：Goodbye, Money

　　On a trip to Disney World

　　in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

　　As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."

　　Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."

　　My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."

　　迪斯尼之旅 弗羅裡達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。

　　當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”

　　女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”

　　丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”

　　：A preacher is buying a parrot 傳教士買鸚鵡

　　A preacher is buying a parrot

　　Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

　　Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

　　Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

　　Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

　　I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

　　一個傳教士在買鸚鵡

　　“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問。

　　“哦，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。

　　“你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎?當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦讚美詩”

　　“太棒了!”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什麼呢?”

　　“我會從樹幹上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說道。

　　：What Was It She Wanted?

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.

　　一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當然，馬上就會有的。我們上週訂了貨。”然後經理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼?” “雨，”店員說。

　　：Where It Should Be Plugged

　　A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old. One day, she took a plug and said to her son, " Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes. Where do you think it should be plugged?" She waited for an answer expectfully .

　　"Plug in nose." is the answer.

　　一位母親十分善於利用每一個機會對孩子進行教育。她的兒子只有三歲。一天，她拿著一個插頭對兒子說：“看，這裡有兩個銅片，那它一定要插在有兩個孔的地方。你說它應該插在哪兒呢?”母親期待著兒子的回答。

　　“插在鼻子裡!”兒子回答說。

　　：One Engine Left

　　A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

　　一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭裡傳來了機長的聲音：“旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時　。” 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎麼啦　?我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。” 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

　　：馬克·吐溫

　　On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it.

　　有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達倫敦訪問，《星報》認為這個訊息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條訊息也要登上：關於愛斯科杯被盜的訊息。招貼是這樣寫的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來也沒聽說過這件事。

　　：捎杯牛奶

　　At 2 a. m, Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living, room. "Tiptoe down-stairs," she told her husband. "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knows what's happening

　　Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."

　　半夜兩點，科爾肯太太確信聽到客廳有賊，便對丈夫說：“別開燈，躡手躡腳下樓，別讓賊發覺，悄悄靠近他。”

　　科爾肯先生披上外套，責無旁貸地去捉賊。剛走到臥室門口，他妻子又補充說：“回來時給我捎杯牛奶。”

　　：Way of Inducing 招客有方

　　At the cleaner's, I noticed the sign "In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m. " so I told the owner that I wanted to pick my clothing up at five. "it won't be ready," he said.

　　"But your sign says, 'In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m.'," I reminded him.

　　"Oh," he replied, "that means me.

　　在洗衣店，我看到招牌上寫著：“上午10點進，下午5點出。”因此我就告訴店主我想在下午5點取衣。“下午5點還不能取，”他說。 “但是你的牌子上寫著：‘上午10點進，下午5點出’，”我提醒他說。

　　“哦，”他回答說，“那指的是我。”

　　：An Exceptional Phenomenon***罕見***

　　4-year-old Begin and his cousin scrambled ***攀爬，爭搶*** for toys. His mum told him: “ You are older brother because you’re older than your ***cousin*** sister. You should give ground to her. ” Begin thought a little but maintained***堅持*** : “ My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.” His uncle around overheard and said : “Such a thing hardly occurs.”

　　四歲的貝京和小妹妹爭玩具。媽媽對他說：“你大，你是哥哥，要讓著小妹妹點兒。” 貝京想了想，堅持說：“等妹妹長得比我大了，她也得讓著我。”姨夫在一旁聽了說：“這種情況相當罕見。

　　：新生兒

　　The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered. “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly.“ He'll follow us there.”

　　泰勒夫婦有一個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特。現在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。 帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家裡也將有一個嬰兒的訊息感到不滿。 一天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：“有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。” 帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：“你們在說什麼?”他的母親回答說：“我們在說我們現在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。” “那沒用，”帕特絕望地說。“他會跟我們到那兒去的。”

　　：超速的司機A Speeding Motorist

　　A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.

　　"Yes, sir," replied the driver.

　　"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"

　　"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.

　　一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機。“難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎?”他責問道。

　　“知道，長官，”司機回答說。

　　“那你為什麼不立即靠邊停車?”

　　“我本來想這樣做的，長官。”那男子回答說，“但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來。”