英語經典搞笑笑話
下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!
：傳教士買鸚鵡A preacher is buying a parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot.
一個傳教士在買鸚鵡。
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問。
"Oh absolutely. He's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
“噢，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主向他保證。
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
“你看見它腿上的那些細繩了嗎?當你拉動右邊這根，它會背誦天主經;當你拉動左邊那根，它會背誦讚美詩。”
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
“太棒了!”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩根繩子，會發生什麼呢?”
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
“我會從樹幹上掉下去，你這個笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說道。
：誰才是有色人種
Dear white, something you got to know
親愛的白種人，有幾件事你必須知道。
When I was born, I was black.
當我出生時，我是黑色的
When I grow up, I am black.
我長大了，我是黑色的
When I’m under the sun, I’m black.
我在陽光下，我是黑色的
When I’m cold, I’m black.
我寒冷時，我是黑色的
When I’m afraid, I’m black.
我害怕時，我是黑色的
When I’m sick, I’m black.
我生病了，我是黑色的
When I die, I’m still black.
當我死了，我仍是黑色的。
you—white people,
你——白種人
When you were born, you were pink.
當你出生時，你是粉紅色的
When you grow up, you become white.
你長大了，變成白色的
You’re red under the sun.
你在陽光下，你是紅色的
You’re blue when you’re cold.
你寒冷時，你是青色的
You are yellow when you’re afraid.
你害怕時，你是黃色的
You’re green when you’re sick.
你生病時，你是綠色的
You’re gray when you die.
當你死時，你是灰色的
And you, call me color?
然後，你叫我“有色種人”?
：錢不用找了
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
我指出這本書儲存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。“零錢不用找了。”他說。
：咒語
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
一個男人找到一個巫婆，要求她解開一條困擾了自己40年的咒語。
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
巫婆說："或許我可以做的到，但你必須一字不落地告訴我下咒的時候說的那句咒語。"
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
男人毫不猶豫的答道：“‘我現在宣佈你們成為夫婦。’”
：世界各地的蹩腳英語
①If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself。
日本旅館：如果您想調節您房間的溫度，請控制您自己。
②Please don't feed the animals. If you have any food, please give it to the guard on duty。
匈牙利動物園：請不要給動物餵食。如果您有食品，請餵給值班警衛。
③Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar。
挪威酒吧：女士們不要在酒吧裡生孩子。
④Fur coats made for ladies from their skins。
瑞典皮貨商店：為女士們製作的皮大衣，是用她們的皮製成的。
⑤Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists 。
香港牙科診所：由最新的衛理公會教徒給您拔牙。
⑥Drop your trousers here for best results。
泰國的乾洗店：在這裡脫掉您的褲子，等待最好的結果。
⑦Specialist in women and other diseases。
義大利婦科診所：我們是women和其他疾病的專家。
⑧Welcome to the cemetery where famous Russian artists are buried daily except Thursday。
俄國公墓：歡迎訪問這個公墓，許多著名的俄國藝術家每天埋在這裡，但星期四不埋。
⑨We take your bags and send them in all directions。
丹麥機場：我們將拿走您的行李，送往四面八方。
⑩The manager has personally passed all water served here。
墨西哥旅館：旅館經理將親自為您撒尿。
：送出去還有的東西
What can Santa give away and still keep?
Answer: a cold.
什麼東西聖誕老人可以分送出去，自己卻也還留著?
答案：感冒。
：聖誕老人的愛好
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
聖誕老人喜歡在花園裡做什麼?
答案：鋤地。***英文裡Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是鋤草之意，ho則是聖誕老人的笑聲。***
：鉛筆
What do you do if one of Santa’s reindeer swallows your pencil?
Answer: use a pen.
若聖誕老人的馴鹿吃掉你的鉛筆該怎麼辦?
答案：用原子筆
：1000元的腦筋急轉彎
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel.
Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor. Which one of them do you think picked it up?
聖誕節前夕，聖誕老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律師在一家高階飯店一同等電梯，門還未開前，三人同時看到地上有一張新臺幣1000元的鈔票，猜猜誰會將它撿起?
Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
答案：當然是聖誕老人啦!為什麼?因為大家都知道另外兩者並不存在。
：法官與小偷
It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
“What is your offense?”
“I did my Christmas shopping early this year,” cried the prisoner.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” answered the prisoner
聖誕佳節到來，法官心情愉悅的問受刑人：
“你做了什麼壞事啊?”
“我今年聖誕節購物早了些。”犯人回答。
“那並不事件壞事”，法官說：“到底多早之前啊?”
“商店開門之前。”犯人答道。
：The Three Stages of Man男性成長三階段
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus!
相信聖誕老人的存在。
不相信聖誕老人的存在。
自己是個聖誕老人!
：Motivation 動機
MY ENGLISH PROFESSOR once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."
我們英文課的教授有一次在課上講“動機”。“是什麼推動你在人生的路上向前走?”他問道，“是什麼讓你每天上學來?又是什麼驅使你追求成功?”衝著一個女學生，他問：“是什麼讓你早晨從床上爬起來的呢?”學生答道：“我媽媽。”