英語搞笑小笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，希望大家會喜歡!

　　：Mushroom and Toadstool 蘑菇與毒蕈

　　Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool***毒菌*** ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.

　　年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區別開呢?年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。

　　：救出哪幅畫?

　　A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

　　The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

　　一份報紙組織了一場競賽，為下面的問題徵集最佳答案：“如果盧浮宮起了火，而你只能救出一幅畫，你將救出哪一幅?”

　　獲獎的答案是：“最接近門口的那一幅。”

　　：A Thank-you Note

　　Once I received a thank-you note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched, revealing the numbers. "Thank you very much for your help," the note read. "As a gift, I bought you some lottery tickets- sorry you didn't win. "

　　有一次，我收到一封感謝信，是一個我曾幫助過的朋友寄來的。信封內有五張彩票，都被刮過了，露出了數字。“非常感謝您的幫助，”信上寫道，“作為禮物，我給您買了些彩票----真遺憾，您沒中獎。”

　　：Excellent Skills

　　After friends of mine landed at busy Newwark Airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. In desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd.

　　In an instant, a skycap was at his side. "Sir," observed the porter, " you certainly have excellent communication skills.

　　我的朋友們在繁忙的紐瓦克機場著陸後，他們卻不能招呼到腳伕來幫他們搬行李。無奈，丈夫拿出一張五美元的鈔票在人群上面搖晃。

　　一個頻寬邊帽的人馬上來到他身邊。“先生，”腳伕說道，“很明顯你有絕妙的交際技巧。”

　　：可憐的人

　　"Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady， "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind."

　　"You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins."

　　"啊，可憐的人，"善良的老婦人驚歎道。"腳瘸就夠慘的了，要是眼瞎就更糟了。"

　　"你說的一點兒沒錯，"那乞丐說。他顯然是乞討老手。"我眼瞎的時候，人們老是給我外幣。"

　　：終身保修

　　After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. "What's so special about this coffin?" I asked the funeral director. He replied, "It has a lifetime warranty."

　　在將母親下葬9個月後，當地殯儀館的一個客戶終於攢夠了錢去買那副他早就相中的價值不菲的棺材了。他把母親的棺材挖了出來，將屍體轉移到了那副新的鋼製棺材中。“這副棺材有什麼特別?”，我問葬禮的承辦人。他回答說，“這種棺材終生保修。

　　：CD唱機

　　While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.

　　在購買我的第一部CD唱機時，我能夠解讀推銷標記上面的大多數技術語言。但是有一個標示卻讓我頗為迷惑，於是我叫過銷售商，問道：‘混合脈衝D/A變換器’是什麼意思?它的意思是，她說，這個機器能夠讀CD碟上加碼的數字資訊，將它轉換成聲音資訊-也就是說，轉換成音樂。換句話說，這個CD唱機能夠播放CD碟。正是如此。

　　：他們全都淹死了

　　The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch***故障*** arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron***贊助人，主顧*** was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub***塗抹，塗料*** of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned.

　　一天，有人請這位偉大的畫家畫一幅法老王渡紅海圖。這幅畫剛開始不久，酬金就出現了問題。霍迪斯發現，完成這幅畫後，他只能得到他想要的大約一半的錢。當作品完成之後，那位主顧被請來看畫。其實，這幅畫不過是胡亂塗抹的一片鮮紅。這是什麼?那位買主喊了起來。我要的是紅海，是那次著名的航海。這就是，霍迦斯回答說。可是以色列人在哪兒?他們都已經渡過去了。埃及人在哪兒?他們全都淹死了。

　　：The ability of the Kangaroo

　　The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?" "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.

　　動物園為剛引進的袋鼠建了一個特殊的八英尺高的圍牆。但是第二天早上，人們發現這動物在圍牆外面蹦跳著。於是圍牆高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動物園經理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍牆高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個長頸鹿問袋鼠：“你認為他們會把圍牆建到多高?” “我不知道，”袋鼠說，“如果他們繼續開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”

　　：Only One Instance

　　Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:

　　″I have known many an instance***例項*** of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″

　　一個星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那裡有他的幾封信。他開啟其中一封,發現信中只寫著“傻瓜”兩個字。

　　他平靜而認真地把這件事告訴教友們：“寫信時忘了簽名的人,我遇到過很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。”

　　：誰的兒子最偉大

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."　　The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"

　　四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子。“我的兒子是個教士，”第一位母親自豪地說道，“他進入房間，人們都說，‘您好，閣下’。”

　　第二為母親說：“我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，‘您好，大人’。” “我的兒子是位紅衣主教，”第三位母親接著說，“他走進房間，人們都說，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”

　　第四位母親略思片刻。“我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，”她說，“他要是走入房間，人們都說‘哦，我的上帝’!”

　　：Three pastors 三個牧師

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft***閣樓*** and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry***鐘樓*** and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated***熏製*** , and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized***洗禮*** all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：“你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。”

　　另外一位說：“是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百只。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。”

　　第三個牧師說：“我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。”