最新搞笑英語短笑話大全

　　本性難移

　　Tightfisted till the end

　　When a very miserly man nicknamed the “stingy ghost” died and went to hell, the Yama Kingreproached him, saying, “You stingy ghost! When you were alive, you clung hard to everything and wouldn't give to anyone. Even when you saw others in poverty and misery, you refused to offer them help. Also, you didn't take good care of your parents, relatives or friends and let them suffer and starve. For your evil karma, you'll be dumped into a pot of boiling oil.”

　　The ghost wardens then escorted the man to the pot of boiling oil, and when they arrived, he looked at the pot and said, “Hey! Wait a minute! There's so much oil in it. What a waste! Please drain out the oil, sell it and give me the money. Then, you can simply dump me in a pot of boiling water! There's no need for oil. You're using too much oil to cook one person anyway!”

　　謹遵醫囑

　　Doctor's orders

　　Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor?

　　Jack: Yes. I'm having three baths a day.

　　Brown: What for?

　　Jack: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read: "One tablespoonful to be taken three times a day in water."

　　情人節的夢

　　One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.

　　When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?"

　　"You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.

　　On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

　　Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

　　半個還是十分之五

　　Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?

　　Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

　　Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

　　Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

　　聰明的兒子

　　One day, the father lets eight-year-old son send a letter. The son took the letter. The father then remembered he didn't write address and addressee's name on the envelope.

　　After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter into the mail box?"

　　"Certainly."

　　"You didn't notice that the envelope does not have address and addressee's name on it?"

　　"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

　　"Then why didn't you take it back?"

　　"I thought that you did not write address and addressee, because you wouldn't let me know to whom you send the letter!"

　　什麼也沒留下

　　Mrs. Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING."

　　When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

　　"THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!"

　　布朗太太要外出一天。她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家裡沒人，請不要留下任何東西!”

　　她當天晚上回家後發現房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發現被補充了一句：“謝謝!我們什麼也沒留下!”