英語小幽默笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，希望對大家有幫助。

　　：Goethe's ToleranceGoe

　　the was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, I'll never make way for a fool. But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside.

　　一次，歌德正在魏瑪一個公園的一條狹窄小道上散步，碰巧他遇見一個對他懷有敵意的評論家。兩人都停了下來，彼此相互對視。接著評論家說道：我從來不給傻瓜讓路。 可我給，說完歌德退到了一邊。

　　：Good Sight

　　Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.

　　律師：你說你離事故現場約有35英尺，你能看清多遠的東西?證人：這麼說吧，早上起床後我看見太陽，別人告訴我這大約有9300萬英里遠。

　　：拿破崙病了

　　Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year."He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.""No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!""Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

　　傑克到一所大學去學歷史。第一學期結束時，歷史課教授沒讓他及格，校讓他退學。然而，傑克的父親決定去見教授，強烈要求讓傑克繼續來年的學業。“他是個好孩子，”傑克的父親說，“您要是讓他這次及格，我相信他明年會有很大進步，學期結束時，他一定會考好的。”“不，不，那不可能，”教授馬上回答，“你知道嗎?上個月我問他拿破崙什麼時候死的，他都不知道。”“先生，請再給他一次機會吧。”傑克的父親說，“你不知道，恐怕是因為我們家沒有訂報紙，我們家的人連拿破崙病了都不知道。”

　　：Who is Stupid?

　　A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

　　Little Johnny then stood up.

　　The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

　　"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

　　一個老師在對學生們講心理學，“誰認為自己蠢就站起來?”她一開始就說。

　　小約翰尼站了起來。

　　“你認為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼?”老師問。

　　“不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個人站著。”

　　：一分一塊錢

　　A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

　　Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

　　The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

　　一天，教授正在給學生們監考。他發下試卷，然後回到講臺前等待。

　　考試結束了，學生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發現一張試卷上彆著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著："一分一塊錢。"

　　第二堂課，教授把試卷都發回學生們手中。其中一個學生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。

　　：哪有人能彎腰彎那麼低的

　　Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

　　我們的餐廳經理是一位深受大家愛戴，和藹而又快樂的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者，我應該說，他是有點矮!一天，經理怒氣衝衝地撞門而入，高聲說，“有人拿了我的錢包!”

　　我和其她大部女招待都沒敢吱聲，但有人卻蹦出一句話：“哪有人能彎腰彎那麼低的啊”!

　　：Keep feeding him nickels

　　A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"

　　母親見三歲的兒子將一枚五分鎳幣放進嘴裡吞了下去，她立刻將他抱起，頭朝下不停地拍打他的後背，他咳出了兩枚一角的硬幣，她發狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父親喊道： “你兒子剛才吞下了一枚五分鎳幣，可咳出兩枚一角的硬幣!我該怎麼辦呢?”孩子他爸大聲回答道：“再喂他幾枚鎳幣!”

　　：Dumas仲馬

　　One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

　　有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。 那傢伙厲聲說：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人。” “是的，”仲馬大聲回敬：“還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一隻猴子。其實我的血統起始於你的血統終止的地方。”

　　：冷與熱

　　A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.""But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.""Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C.""Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

　　蒙特利爾咖啡館的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的水龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。“這太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。”“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法語裡代表'熱'。如果您住在蒙特利爾的話就應該知道這一點。”“等等，”那位顧客咆哮著，“另外一個龍頭標的也是C。”“那當然，”經理說道：“這個C代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。”

　　：小心有狗

　　As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

　　一名陌生人走進一家鄉間小商店，看到玻璃門上帖著的一個告示牌上寫著，“危險! 小心有狗!” 進去後，他看到一條樣子一點都不凶的老狗趴在收款機旁邊的地板上睡覺。 “這就是大夥都得留神的那隻狗啊?” 陌生人問店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 聽到這個回答， 陌生人覺得很好笑。“我覺得那條狗一點都不可怕。 你帖那個告示做什麼?” “因為，” 店主解釋說，“在我帖告示之前， 大夥老被他絆倒。”

　　：在天堂結婚

　　A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!"

　　一對年輕的夫婦在去結婚的路上出了車禍，雙雙死去了。於是，他們來到了聖徒彼得面前，妻子問是否她還可以和丈夫結婚，聖徒彼得告訴他們，關於這個問題他一有了結果就會回來找他們。差不多30天以後，聖徒彼得回來了，並且告訴他們可以在天堂結婚。妻子又問：“如果生活的不愉快，我們可不可以離婚呢?”聖徒彼得看著她，回答說：“夫人，我花了30天才找到個傳教士，難道你真的希望我再去找個律師嗎?”

　　：點名

　　On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance."

　　大學的第一天，文學課我坐在了前排。教授告訴我們這學期必須得讀五本書，他提供我們可供選擇的作者名單。隨後他緩步走上講臺，拿出課本，“貝克、布萊克、布魯斯、卡特、庫克…”為了寫下所有的名字，我不得不瘋狂的作著記錄。這時有人輕輕的拍我肩膀，坐在我後面的學生悄悄告訴我：“他在點名呢。”