英語幽默笑話短
下面是小編整理的，希望對大家有幫助。
：理髮師
Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."
哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮臉。”
Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."
亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次臉。”
Harry: "Is he crazy?"
哈里：“他瘋了嗎?”
Henry: "No, he's a barber."
亨利：“沒有，他是一名理髮師。”
：年少無知
Jimmy is three years old.
吉米3歲了。
One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"
一天，他正在視窗觀望，夜幕降臨。他突然喊道：“媽媽，媽媽，快來關窗!”
"Why? It's not cold, sonny."
“為什麼?天不冷呀，寶貝。”
"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."
“是的，媽媽，可黑夜會進來。”
：快速靠岸
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
在休倫湖釣完魚後，我的一個朋友開車拖著他的船回家。路上車壞了。 他沒帶手機，不過，他想，也許他可以通過海事無線廣播來請求公路援助。 於是，他爬到他的船裡面，啟動了無線裝置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸護衛隊警官作出了迴應，“報告你的位置”。“I-75號公路，Standish的南面兩英里”。沉默了好一會之後，警官問我的朋友，“你的船靠岸時開得有多快?”
：冰箱裡的小兔子
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
一位女士開啟冰箱門，發現一隻兔子坐在其中的一層隔板上，就問它：“你在那裡做什麼?”
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
兔子回答：“這是Westinghouse對不對?”***Westinghouse，西屋電氣公司***
The lady confirmed, "Yes."
女士確認道：“沒錯。”
"Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing."
兔子說：“那就對了，我就是要往西邊去。”
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?
兔子：你確信這瓶特製胡蘿蔔汁能治好我的病?
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
醫生：當然咯，凡是喝過的兔子沒有一隻來要第二瓶的。
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
兔寶寶：媽咪，我是從哪兒來的呢?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
兔媽媽：等你長大點再告訴你。
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
兔寶寶：噢媽咪，現在就告訴我吧，求您了。
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.
兔媽媽：如果你一定要知道，那我告訴你你是從魔術師的帽子裡被拽出來的。
：我們分享一切
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.
一對老夫婦在漢堡王餐廳吃飯，他們小心翼翼地將漢堡和薯條分成兩份。
A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
一個卡車司機非常同情他們，就提議想給老太太單獨點一份。
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
“沒關係的。”老先生說，“我們分享一切。”
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.
幾分鐘後，卡車司機注意到老太太還沒動口吃一點東西。
"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
他再次對老先生說，“我真的不介意請您妻子吃一頓……”
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
“她會吃的，”老先生向他保證，“我們分享一切。”
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
司機不太相信，懇求老太太，“你為什麼不吃一點?”
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”
：I Am Going to Shop 我要去購物啦
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
我幫來購物的女士包好東西后，問道：“是付現金、支票還是記賬呢?” 當她找錢包的時候，我注意到她的包包裡竟放著一個電視遙控器。
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
我問：“你一直都隨身帶電視遙控器的嗎?”
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
她回答說：“不是啦。但我老公不樂意跟我一起來購物，所以我決定拿走他的遙控器來懲罰他。”
：聖誕老人的愛好
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
聖誕老人喜歡在花園裡做什麼?
答案：鋤地。***英文裡Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是鋤草之意，ho則是聖誕老人的笑聲。***
：鉛筆
What do you do if one of Santa’s reindeer swallows your pencil?
Answer: use a pen.
若聖誕老人的馴鹿吃掉你的鉛筆該怎麼辦?
答案：用原子筆
：1000元的腦筋急轉彎
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel.
Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor. Which one of them do you think picked it up?
聖誕節前夕，聖誕老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律師在一家高階飯店一同等電梯，門還未開前，三人同時看到地上有一張新臺幣1000元的鈔票，猜猜誰會將它撿起?
Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
答案：當然是聖誕老人啦!為什麼?因為大家都知道另外兩者並不存在。
：法官與小偷
It was the Christmas season and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
“What is your offense?”
“I did my Christmas shopping early this year,” cried the prisoner.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” said the Judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” answered the prisoner
聖誕佳節到來，法官心情愉悅的問受刑人：
“你做了什麼壞事啊?”
“我今年聖誕節購物早了些。”犯人回答。
“那並不事件壞事”，法官說：“到底多早之前啊?”
“商店開門之前。”犯人答道。
：The Three Stages of Man男性成長三階段
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus!
相信聖誕老人的存在。
不相信聖誕老人的存在。
自己是個聖誕老人!
：Motivation 動機
MY ENGLISH PROFESSOR once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother."
我們英文課的教授有一次在課上講“動機”。“是什麼推動你在人生的路上向前走?”他問道，“是什麼讓你每天上學來?又是什麼驅使你追求成功?”衝著一個女學生，他問：“是什麼讓你早晨從床上爬起來的呢?”學生答道：“我媽媽。”