短的英語冷笑話
一 我們愛說冷笑話
1***Q: Where do cows go on dates?
A: MOOOOvies
***date是約會的意思，Moo為牛叫聲，movie則是電影院的意思***
2***Q: What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?
A: I scream ***ice cream***.
***ice cream意為冰淇淋，兩者發音相似***
3***Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold?
A: Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.
***catch有抓住的意思，catch a cold是感冒的意思***
4***Q: How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?
A: It was a fish tank.
***tank有坦克的意思，而fish tank則意為魚缸***
5***Q: How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
A: It waves.
***wave有波濤翻滾的意思，也有揮手致意的意思***
6***Q: What kind of witch likes the beach?
A: A SAND witch ***sandwich***
***Sandwich是三明治的意思，兩者發音相似***
7***Q: Why won’t the elephant use the computer?
A: He’s afraid of the mouse!
***滑鼠和老鼠的英文皆為mouse***
8***Q: Which are the stronger days of the week?
A: Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
***week和weak同音***
9***Q: What letters are not in the alphabet?
A: The ones in the mail.
***letter有信件的意思，也有字母的意思***
二 冷笑話中英文
1.A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢幹什麼了?”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢?”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
2.The Reason of Being Late
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.
遲到的原因
老 師：約翰尼，為什麼你每天早晨都遲到?
約翰尼：每當我經過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校-緩行’。
3.All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"
"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."
除了音樂
一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多瞭解一點優秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎?”
“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好。”
4.The plural Form of "Child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
"孩子"的複數形式
老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的複數形式是什麼?
湯姆：男人們。
老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的複數形式呢?
湯姆：雙胞胎。
5.When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人們什麼時候說話最少?
學生甲：人們在什麼時候說話最少?
學生乙：在二月。
學生甲：為什麼呢?
學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。
6.Good news or bad news
An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."
以為藝術家在一個畫廊辦了個展覽，他問店主是否有人對他參展的畫感興趣。
“我有一個好訊息和一個壞訊息。”店主回答。
“先告訴我好訊息。”畫家要求道。
“好訊息是一位紳士詢問了你的作品，還問它是否會在你死後增。我告訴他會的，然後他買下了你所有的15幅畫作。”
“那太棒了!”畫家驚歎。“那麼什麼會是壞訊息呢?”
店主想了想之後說：“問那個問題的是你的醫生”。
7.The smart Old Lady
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'
'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.'
The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.'
'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'
一位耳聾並且總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。 她問店員：“這東西要多少錢?”
“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的。”
老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多。”
店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”
“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦。”
8.I don't think I know
Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
John: "What do you think it is, sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"‘
老師：“John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什麼?”。
約翰：“你想它是什麼呢”?
老師：“我不用想，我知道!”。
約翰：“我想我不知道”。
9.The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
紐西蘭的氣候
老師：馬修，紐西蘭的氣候怎麼樣?
馬修：先生，那裡的天氣很冷。
老師：錯了。
馬修：可是，先生!從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。
10.My Sister's Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
我妹妹的手指頭
老師：凱溫，這次你怎麼又遲到了?
凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。
老師：怎麼沒有扎繃帶呀?
凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。
11.Improvement
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
進步
一位學生對另一位說：“你的 英語 最近學的怎麼樣?”
“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。”