簡單幽默英語笑話

　　“哪裡有人,哪裡就有笑聲。”從古到今,笑話是人們生活中不可缺少的“調劑品”。笑話使人們在刻板的生活中感到一絲快意和放鬆，在人們的日常生活中起著重要調劑作用。下面小編為大家帶來，希望大家喜歡!

　　1

　　One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

　　He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

　　"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

　　"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

　　一天，遠東百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給太太買一件。可是，沒過多久，他發現自己已被瘋狂的女人衝得踉踉蹌蹌。

　　他竭力忍耐著。後來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人群。

　　“你幹嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現得象位紳士嗎?”

　　“聽著，”他說，“我已經象紳士一樣表現了一個小時。從現在起，我要表現得象個女士。”

　　2

　　At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

　　His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

　　"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

　　"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

　　在一場世界最佳擊劍手錶演中，排名第三的擊劍手上場了。一隻蒼蠅放了出來，劍劃了一個弧，他將蒼蠅劈成了兩半。觀眾歡呼起來。緊接著排名第二的人將一隻蒼蠅切成了四半。現場一陣沉默，人們期盼著世界上最偉大的擊劍手出場。

　　他的劍鋒以一個巨大的弧線劃了下來--然而那隻昆蟲還在繼續飛行!觀眾被驚呆了。最偉大的擊劍手完全錯過了他的目標，然而他還在微笑著。

　　“你為什麼這麼高興?”有人嚷道，“你沒擊中!”

　　“啊，”劍手答道，“你剛才沒有很仔細地看。蒼蠅還活著，是的--但他永遠也做不成爸爸了。”

　　3

　　An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $$500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

　　"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

　　"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

　　"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

　　一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那裡，醉醺醺的聖彼德解釋說是搞錯了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什麼都沒有發生過一樣。”

　　“成交!”美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。

　　“其他人在哪兒?”一名醫生問道。

　　“我離開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。”