簡單爆笑英語笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　：停止打你老婆

　　This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses.

　　One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.

　　“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”

　　“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness.

　　“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.

　　“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：Have you ceased beating your wife?”

　　這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於儘量去恐嚇對方的證人。

　　有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。

　　“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護律師怒喝道： “你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。”

　　“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。

　　“不存在這樣的問題!”律師厲聲打斷他。

　　“噢，”證人說：“那麼請你回答這個問題：你停止打你老婆了嗎?”

　　：奇怪的關係

　　Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

　　四個好朋友在醫院裡碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產.護士過來對第一個男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達雙子隊的經理."過了一會兒,護士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最後,護士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們三個都很高興,但第四個夥伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝並用頭撞牆.他們問他有什麼不對勁,他回答道:"什麼不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

　　：一分鐘一百萬

　　A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."

　　一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."

　　：媽媽在砸瓶子

　　A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

　　一個婦人正在使勁開啟番茄醬的瓶子。這時，電話鈴響了，她叫四歲的女兒去接電話。小孩說：“媽媽現在不能接電話，她在砸瓶子。”

　　：The Nice Wedding Gift

　　We attended the wedding of an acquaintance's son. Because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. Apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: "Thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. We look forward to using it soon.

　　我們參加了一個熟人的兒子的婚禮。由於我們都不認識那個年輕人和他的新娘，所以我們決定送給他們一個實用的全家禮----一個滅火器。很明顯，這對新人大批量製作了他們的感謝信，因為我們收到了一張卡片，上面寫著：“非常感謝您的漂亮的結婚禮物，我們期待著不久就用到它。”

　　：The Use of a Handsaw

　　At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.

　　Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.

　　Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.

　　The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.

　　在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個手鋸。我們返回汽車時剛好路過一家牛排店。 “我們嚐嚐吧，”我妻子建議說。儘管我覺得拿著鋸有點傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進去。 我妻子掃視了一下選單對女招待說：“請給我來一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉向我，看我的鋸，說道：“我能看出，先生，你是來吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”

　　：A Woman's answer

　　A husband said to his wife, " Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?"

　　"Well," his wife answered at once." The reason is very simple. God made us beautiful so men would love us; God made us foolish so we would marry them."

　　一位丈夫對他的妻子說：“為什麼上帝把婦女創造得如此美麗卻又愚蠢呢?” “噢，”他的妻子立刻回答道，“原因很簡單。上帝使我們如此美麗，男人才會愛我們。上帝使我們如此愚蠢，我們才會嫁給他們。”

　　：Only One Eye to Settle On

　　The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"

　　"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.

　　姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一隻眼是假眼，你以前為什麼不告訴我?” “怎麼沒告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面後，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”

　　：You May Select可以選擇

　　The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.

　　One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?"

　　The wife said, "You may select the dish today."

　　The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"

　　"Cabbage."

　　"The others?"

　　"None."

　　"Then how to select?"

　　"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.

　　丈夫抱怨妻子總是做同樣的一種菜。

　　一天，丈夫回到家，問妻子：“親愛的，今天我們吃啥菜?”

　　妻子回答：“今天你可以選擇。” 丈夫感到非常高興，又問：“都有哪些菜呢?”

　　“炒白菜。”

　　“還有呢?”

　　“沒了。”

　　“那你要我怎麼選呢?”

　　“吃還是不吃!”妻子一本正經地說道。

　　：Two roaches 兩隻蟑螂

　　Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

　　兩隻蟑螂正在一條小巷的垃圾堆上大吃著，其中的一隻談起了它在一家新開張的餐館裡的經歷。“那時我在街對面的那家新餐館裡，”它說。“那裡太乾淨了!廚房沒有一點汙漬，地面閃著白光。任何地方都沒有垃圾。那裡是如此乾淨，整個地方都在發光。”“請不要在我吃東西的時候說這個好嗎?”另一隻蟑螂不悅地說。

　　：我需要器官移植

　　The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

　　這個病人顯得很堅決。“醫生，我需要做肝臟移植、腎臟移植、心臟移植、角膜移植、脾臟移植、胰腺移植和……” “你為什麼認為你需要做這麼多移植手術?”病人回答：“哦，是這樣，我的老闆說如果我這個人不重新組裝的話，就別想保住我的工作!”

　　：埋在花園裡的槍

　　Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

　　一個老人獨居在北愛爾蘭，他的獨生子正在坐牢。老人想在花園裡種些土豆，但不知道誰可以幫忙把泥土翻鬆。他寫信想兒子提及此事，兒子回信說道：“看在上帝的面上，千萬不要翻鬆花園的泥土，我把槍埋在那兒了。”第二天凌晨4點，一隊英國士兵出現在老人家中，在花園把土地翻遍，但並沒有找到任何槍支。” 老人寫信告訴兒子這件奇怪的事情，問到底發生了什麼事情，下一步應該怎麼做。 兒子回信道：“你只管種土豆好了。”