爆笑英語冷笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，以供大家學習參考。

　　：Imitation 模仿

　　A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.

　　Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

　　That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.

　　一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。來，坐下，吃點點心，媽媽說，你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。

　　一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。

　　你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，他那聰明的兒子說，裡面裝點東西，就會好的。

　　：Fried chicken

　　In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, "What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?"

　　Jack thought a moment, then answered, "Fried chicken, sir."

　　老師在課堂上向學生們展示了各種各樣的鳥的照片。然後他問其中一名學生，“傑克，你最喜歡哪種鳥兒啊?”

　　傑克想了想，回答，“炸雞，老師。”

　　：I've Just Bitten My Tongue

　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue

　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

　　我剛咬破自己的舌頭

　　“我們有毒嗎?”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。

　　“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個幹什麼?”

　　“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”

　　:How much English can you speak?

　　"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to

　　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his

　　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

　　The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

　　The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

　　"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麼不公正啊。他一週前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。

　　而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"

　　法官看被告，問道："你會說多少英文?"

　　被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我!"

　　：He Won 他贏了

　　Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

　　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

　　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

　　湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎?

　　約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。

　　湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒?

　　約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

　　：Three pastors 三個牧師

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft***閣樓*** and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry***鐘樓*** and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated***熏製*** , and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized***洗禮*** all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三個南部的牧師在一家小餐館裡吃午飯。其中的一個說道：“你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什麼都不能把它們趕走。”

　　另外一位說：“是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百只。我曾經請人把整個地方用煙燻消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。”

　　第三個牧師說：“我為我那裡的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會的一員......從此一隻也沒有再回來過。”

　　：Excited Remarks 激動的話

　　Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals***長聲尖叫*** of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I'm going to have one of those someday, his dad's response always was Not as long as I'm alive.

　　One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I'm getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.

　　我五歲的兒子對摩托車有強烈的愛好。只要看見一輛摩托車，他就會高興得哇哇直叫，並激動地說：瞧這輛!瞧這輛，我總有一天也要有一輛。他爸爸的回答老是隻要我活著，你就別想有這玩藝兒。

　　一天我們的兒子跟他的小朋友在說話，有一輛摩托車開了過去。他興奮的指著摩托車叫道瞧這輛!瞧這輛!等我爸一死我就要有這樣一輛摩托車了。

　　：Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

　　His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

　　小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這麼一個例子：有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。

　　他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼? 一個女生舉手答道，是不是去取他的存款?

　　：Whose father was the stronger

　　Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.

　　Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it."

　　Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!"

　　維爾和比爾在爭吵，誰的爸爸是更強壯的一個。維爾說：“你知道太平洋嗎?那個坑是我爸爸挖的。”

　　比爾不屑地說：“那沒什麼。你知道死海嗎? 那是我爸爸打死的。”

　　：Persistance 纏住不放

　　Returning from a golf outing***遠足，短途旅行*** , my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?

　　Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win, my husband hedged***避免作正面答覆*** . We just play to have fun.

　　Undaunted, Sare said, Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?

　　丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔?

　　我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，丈夫推諉說。我們打球只是為了好玩而已。

　　莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：那麼，爸爸，誰覺得更好玩呢?

　　：Knights & Nights 黑暗時代

　　Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

　　Betty: Because they had so many knights.

　　老師：為什麼有時我們稱中世紀為黑暗時代呢?

　　貝蒂：因為那時有許多騎士。

　　：Who is Stupid 誰愚蠢

　　A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"