英文搞笑小故事

　　 Good use of cry 哭的妙用

　　The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film. When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them, “you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?” “I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered. “It’s not worth seeing.” “I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said. “Wake the child up and let him cry.”

　　一對夫婦帶著他們3歲的兒子去看電影。進電影院時，服務員對他們說：“如果你們的兒子哭了，你們就得出去。不過我們會給你們退票的。”大約半個小時以後，丈夫對妻子說：“你覺得這電影怎麼樣?”“我從沒看過這麼沒勁的電影。”妻子回答說，“真不值得看。”“我也不喜歡看。”丈夫說：“叫醒孩子，讓他哭。”

　　 What a Smart Wife家有笨妻

　　A newly married woman was sitting on a chair, looking vexed, when her husband came home. "What's up? Why do you look so troubled?" the husband asked. The woman replied, "I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit andburned a hole in your trousers." And the man said, "That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same." "Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair," the wife responded.

　　有一個剛結婚的太太，坐在椅子那邊，看起來很懊惱，她先生回家看到她這個樣子，就問：‘嗨，你怎麼啦?為什麼看起來這麼懊惱呢?’太太說：‘很抱歉，你那件新做的西裝褲被我燙壞了，燙成一個洞了。’他先生說：‘啊!那個沒關係啦!我還有另外一件一樣的褲子。’ 她說：‘是啊，還好我把那件新的拿出來補那件被我燙壞的。’

　　 Endearing terms可愛的稱呼

　　Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago." Bernie

　　應邀來到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie發現，不管問他老婆什麼問題，Morris總要在每句話的前面加上一些親密的稱呼，象蜜糖，我的愛人，親愛的，甜心等等。Bernie對Morris說，“你們夫妻倆真夠親密的，結婚這麼多年了，你還叫她叫得那麼親密。”Morris低下頭，小聲地對Bernie說，“老實跟你說吧，三年前我忘記老婆的真名是什麼了。”

　　 Are you a normal person?你是正常人嗎?

　　During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

　　參觀一所精神病院的時候一個參觀者問院長，“你們是用什麼標準來決定一個人是否應該被關進精神病院呢?” “呃„ „”院長說，“是這樣，我們先給一個浴缸放滿水，然後我們給病人一個調茶匙，一個茶杯和一個水桶去把浴缸裡面的水放清。” “噢，我明白了”， 參觀者說。“一個正常人會選擇水桶， 因為水桶比茶匙，茶杯的體積大。” “錯了”，“院長回答”“正常人會把浴缸塞子拔掉”。

　　Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

　　兩個男人正在穿過叢林，突然，一隻老虎出現在遠處，向他們衝來。 其中的一個人從包裡拿出一雙“耐克”鞋，開始穿上。另一個人驚奇地看著他說，“你以為穿上這個就可以跑得過老虎嗎?” 他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得過它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”

　　 Another 40 Years to live 再活40年

　　A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

　　一名中年婦女心臟病突發被送到了醫院， 在手術檯上，瀕臨死亡之際，她看到了上帝， 於是，她問上帝是不是她的日子到頭了。 上帝回答說，“還沒有，你還能活43年，2個月零8天。” 身體快要康復的時候，這名女士想到自己還要活那麼多年，得好好對待自己，於是決定先不出院，而是去給自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然後還做了一個腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美體手術。 她甚至還請人到醫院裡面幫她頭髮給染了。 做完最後一個手術，這位女士出院了， 但就在過馬路的時候，她被一輛風馳電摯趕回醫院的救護車給撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地問上帝，“我記得你說我還能再活40年?” 上帝回答，“那個時候我沒認出你來”。