英語簡短幽默笑話

　　下面是小編整理的，希望對大家有幫助。

　　：the important of a second language

　　A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.

　　Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."

　　一天，一隻貓媽媽領著4只小貓在路上走，卻遇到了一隻大狗。小貓們嚇的蜷縮成了一團，這時貓媽媽吼出了一連串的汪汪聲，大狗被嚇跑了。貓媽媽轉過身來對幾個小貓說，“孩子們，看看掌握一門外語是多麼的重要呀!”

　　：Easy or Not

　　Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".

　　"Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"

　　一位婦女把車沿著我們銀行的驅車直達視窗開過來，可她並不滿意於她停的位置。因此她倒車，靠得更近點。還是不滿意，倒車，再來。五次努力後，終於她把車停下來，搖下車窗。我簡單地問候她一聲“早上好”。

　　“早上好，”她愉快地回答說，“以後我都要使用這種驅車直達視窗。真是如此的方便。”

　　：假如我是一個經理

　　One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.

　　一天課上，老師要同學們以如果我是一個經理為題寫一篇作文。所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什麼不寫。我在等我的祕書。那孩子答道。

　　：A Life for a Life***以“命”抵命***

　　The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage.

　　英國作家理查德·薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店裡並沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由於缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。後來，由於給他治療的那個醫生的高明醫術，他才又恢復了健康。過了一兩個星期之後，醫生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫生等了一個月後又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之後，他又送來帳單要錢。最後，醫生本人來到了薩維奇的家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。” “是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。” 說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫生兩卷書，名叫《理查德·薩維奇的一生》。

　　：What Was It She Wanted?

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.

　　一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當然，馬上就會有的。我們上週訂了貨。”然後經理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼?” “雨，”店員說。

　　：A preacher is buying a parrot 傳教士買鸚鵡

　　A preacher is buying a parrot

　　Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

　　Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

　　Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

　　Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

　　I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

　　一個傳教士在買鸚鵡

　　“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問。

　　“哦，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。

　　“你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎?當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦讚美詩”

　　“太棒了!”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什麼呢?”

　　“我會從樹幹上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說道。

　　：How can I get into heaven 我怎麼才能上天堂

　　"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

　　"No!" the children all answered.

　　"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

　　Again, the answer was, "No!"

　　"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

　　A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

　　“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 並把所有的錢給窮人，我能進天堂嗎?”我問主日學校的孩子。

　　孩子們齊聲回答：“不能!”

　　“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，並且把東西都收拾得乾淨整潔，我會上天堂嗎?”

　　回答還是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我繼續問, “那我要怎樣才能昇天堂呢?”

　　一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行!”

　　：I Want Her to go Nuts

　　Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

　　"But you're not wearing any of those things."

　　"I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

　　福林德斯夫人決定讓人給她畫肖像。她告訴那位肖像畫家說：“畫我帶著鑽石耳環、鑽石項鍊、祖母綠手鐲，還有紅寶石垂飾。”

　　“但你現在沒帶這其中的任何一樣飾品。”

　　“我知道。”福林德斯夫人說，“萬一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他會立刻再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發瘋。”

　　：是哪兩個詞?

　　What Are The Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl.“What are the two words?”

　　一個非常高貴的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。“我親愛的，”老夫人說：“我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞。一個是‘討厭的’，另一個是‘極好的’。你能答應我嗎?” “噢，當然，奶奶。”女孩說：“是哪兩個詞?”