決定成敗的因素善良和寬巨集

　　一直在思索，要保持長久的親密關係，克服現實強加給我們的不可避免的挑戰和障礙，到底應該依靠些什麼?接下來，小編給大家準備了,歡迎大家參考與借鑑。

　　你被自己困住了嗎?

　　Are You Trapped Inside Yourself ?

　　I’ve been thinking about what makes close relationships sustainable over long periods, through the inevitable challenges and speed bumps which reality foists upon us.

　　We don’t have far to look to see the evidence, either anecdotal or statistical, that divorce rates continue to soar. In each case there are at least two, and probably three or more, sides to the story.

　　An article in The Atlantic magazine reports that several detailed scientific surveys which studied samples of successful as well as failed marriages basically point to two key “make or break” traits: kindness and generosity.

　　That sounds pretty obvious, but it bears further reflection.

　　The branch of social science which began studying the success and failure of marriages was born in the 1970s, as a result of soaring divorce rates. Over time, a host of specialist psychologists carried out extensive studies. One such expert in the field is John Gottman, who identified a pattern in daily life interactions between spouses which he named “bids.”

　　In this context, a bid from one party to the other is something like a request for attention, or connection, or sharing — often something small. One party notices something of interest to them and draws the other’s attention to it. The reaction of the other party, especially in the context of a pattern over time, has a profound effect on the relationship.

　　If the pattern of response to the “bid” is routinely disinterest, disdain, or excuses like “I’m busy”, then over a period of time there is an erosion of emotional connection.

　　Gottman claims that by observing these interactions, he can predict with 94% accuracy whether couples — straight, gay, rich, poor, with or without children — will remain together for a longer period.

　　His research points to the attitudes both parties bring to the relationship. Kindness and generosity predispose people to be better, more responsive listeners, and more considerate in their words and actions. Selfishness, cynicism, and hostility yield very different, if not opposite results.

　　Of the successful partners, Gottman observes “They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.”

　　Of the failed partnerships, the biggest culprit is contempt. Those who are preoccupied with criticizing the other party for this, that and the other thing, routinely fail to notice the positive things and eventually see bad things when they aren’t really there.

　　While all of this makes sense, it’s clearly more challenging to achieve success in today’s pressurized, fast-paced, materialistic, distracted society than in simpler times past.

　　Clearly, it can be done, but who is currently teaching young people how to do it? If the answer is no one, then society may have a rough road ahead.

　　One interesting point which Gottman makes is that you can look at kindness and generosity as fixed traits — qualities you are either born with or acquire through education. Or, you can look at them like a muscle. Some people grow up with stronger muscles than others due to various factors, but everyone can work to improve their relative muscle strength.

　　Just like going to the gym for muscle training, perhaps in future we will need facilities for kindness and generosity training. That’s partly the role of religion or spirituality in many societies.

　　Gottman asserts that there is ample evidence to suggest that the more someone receives or sees kindness, the more they themselves will be kind. Although this is also common sense, it falls into the category of things we don’t think about as often as we should.

　　Although Gottman’s research, and the main focus of this blog post, is on spousal relationships, there are many lessons here for us to ponder in terms of sustainable human relationships in general, including in the business world.

　　There is no disputing the fact that the most precious things in life are friends, family, and health; so it behooves us all to be lifetime learners on how to manage these things well.

　　In business, long-term relationships between colleagues, management and staff, customers, and investors are often a key distinguishing factor between truly great companies and ordinary ones. I can’t think of a better individual example than Warren Buffet.

　　我一直在思索，要保持長久的親密關係，克服現實強加給我們的不可避免的挑戰和障礙，到底應該依靠些什麼?

　　不必大老遠地去尋找例證：不管是來自你聽到的傳聞還是統計資料，都證明離婚率在持續攀升，每宗離婚案背後的故事，不亞於一部“羅生門”。

　　《大西洋月刊》有篇文章說，針對成功和失敗婚姻樣本的幾項具體科學調查指出，兩個決定成敗的主要特性是：善良和寬巨集。

　　雖然這聽上去顯而易見，卻值得我們進一步思考。

　　作為離婚率激增的產物，專門研究婚姻成敗的社會學分支學科出現於上世紀70年代。一段時間以來，眾多專業心理學家進行了廣泛的研究。該領域的一名專家約翰·戈特曼發現了一種配偶間日常互動的模式，他稱之為“邀約”。

　　在這裡，一方對另一方提出的“邀約”類似於要求對方關注、聯絡或分享等小事。一方注意到某些令自己感興趣的事，就邀請另一方共同關注。而另一方的反應，特別是在一段時間內的反應模式，會對彼此的關係產生深遠的影響。

　　如果對“邀約”的反應模式總是不感興趣、不屑一顧、或者用“我很忙”來搪塞，一段時間過後必將對感情關係造成侵蝕。

　　戈特曼說，通過對這些互動的觀察，他可以準確地預測出一對伴侶能不能長相廝守，無論是他們是異性戀、同性戀、有錢人、窮人、有孩子還是沒孩子，預測準確率高達94%。

　　在研究中，戈特曼指出雙方可帶入彼此關係的態度。善良和寬巨集能讓人變成更好的、響應度更高的聽眾，語言行為也更加周到。而自私、譏諷、敵視則會帶來即使並非背道而馳，也是大相徑庭的後果。

　　戈特曼注意到，成功的伴侶會“有意識地建立彼此尊重和欣賞的文化。”

　　而導致關係破裂的罪魁禍首則是蔑視。那些忙著批評對方這個那個的人，總是注意不到積極的事情，最終眼裡看到的都是壞事，不管那些是不是真的。

　　這些說法很有道理，但在壓力大、節奏快、物慾強、誘惑多的當今社會，想要取得成功顯然比過去的純真年代要困難很多。