適合高中生的爆笑英語笑話

　　笑話是民族文化不可或缺的一部分。透過笑話我們可以看到一個民族的生存環境、生活方式、社會關係和心理特徵等等。小編分享，希望可以幫助大家!

　　：Things Not To Say On A First Date

　　"This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it."

　　"Here, have a tic-tac. It's on me."

　　***To the waitress*** "Could I have your phone number?"

　　"Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of cockroaches, are you?"

　　"I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?"

　　"Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!"

　　"What? Oh, I thought you were paying."

　　"Nice dress. I have one at home just like it."

　　"So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood wasgushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see you're eating."

　　"I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?"

　　"No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine, when I'm not playing with my inflatable doll."

　　***Looking at her plate*** "Are you going to finish that?"

　　"The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!"

　　"My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?"

　　"Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me."

　　"I'm gonna do it. I bought a gun. I've got bullets. Just wait. My boss'll be yellin' at me, and then, BLAM!"

　　"As soon as I saw you, I knew you'd go out with me. I said to myself, 'There's someone who looks desperate enough.'"

　　"Does this look like ringworm to you?"

　　"Hurry up and eat, because we've got to get home in time for 'Star Trek.'"

　　"No, I'm not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women."

　　"We don't need a cab. We can walk. It's only eighteen blocks."

　　"Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day."

　　"I'm not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and..."

　　"Could you drive me to the airport next week? And I'm going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, I've been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?"

　　"Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?"

　　"I've never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments."

　　"Hey, look at that guy. What's he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if he's gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think they're talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!"

　　"I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction notice. I hope I'm not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbour is suing me in a property dispute, and..."

　　"No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hell's the matter with you?! Can't you read?! Are you stupid?!"

　　"Oh, God, it's eleven o'clock! I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone!"

　　：Go give us a donation

　　Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

　　He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

　　"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

　　He said "about ten gallons."

　　：Blonde Painting The Porch

　　Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

　　"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

　　"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

　　"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.

　　"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

　　The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

　　"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

　　"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

　　About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

　　The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

　　"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

　　The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."