避免談話地雷的技巧
導語:中國人說 “世事洞明皆學問,人情練達即文章”,其實老外也不都是口無遮攔,到處捅婁子的直腸子。雖然中國人是天生的“打太極”高手,給人的感覺總是太過於圓滑,那麼,在人際交往中我們卻也可以借鑑一下老外一些恰到好處的說話藝術。下面就是Kristyn Kusek Lewis提出的18 Common Phrases to Avoid in Conversation***談話中應該避免的18句套話***,看看其中是不是有好多句是你常常脫口而出的呢?
一、外表篇
Don’t say:“You look tired.”
Why:It implies she doesn’t look good.
Instead say:“Is everything OK?” We often blurt the “tired” comment when we get the sense that the other person feels out of sorts. So just ask.
不要說:“你看起來很累。”
因為:這意味著她看起來很糟。
換句話:“一切都還好吧?”一般來說我們會脫口而出說人“累”是因為我們覺得他們可能不舒服,所以直接問好了。
Don’t say:“Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Why:To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.
Instead say:“You look fantastic.” And leave it at that. If you’re curious about how she got so svelte, add, “What’s your secret?”
不要說:“哇,你瘦了好多哦!”
因為:對一個剛剛減肥成功的人來說,這可能會讓對方覺得之前自己很不好看。
換句話:“你看起來棒極了!”這就夠了。要是你很想知道她是怎麼變得這麼苗條的,就加一句“你有什麼祕訣嗎?”
Don’t say:“You look good for your age.”
with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people. It's amazing you have all your own teeth."
Instead say:“You look great.”
不要說:“以這個年紀來說,你看起來好極了。”
因為:任何有這樣潛臺詞的話都很不禮貌。這好像在說:“你看起來好極了——跟別的老人比。那你的牙還沒掉實在是太讓人吃驚了。”
換句話:“你看起來好極了。”
Don’t say:“I could never wear that.”
Why:It can be misunderstood as a criticism. ***“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”***
Instead say:“You look so good in skinny jeans.” If you slip, say something like “I could never wear that…because I wasn’t blessed with your long legs.”
不要說:“我可穿不了這樣的。”
因為:這樣的話可能會讓人以為你在批評她。***“我可穿不了這樣的,實在是太醜了。”***
換句話:“你穿這種瘦腿牛仔褲太好。”要是你已經脫口而出了,馬上補句:“我可穿不了這樣的……我可沒有像你這樣的長腿。”
Kelly, cohost of the TLC show, What Not to Wear.
專家:Clinton Kelly,TLC電視臺節目《不該穿的》主持人。
二、職場篇:
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Don’t say:“That’s not my job.”
Why:If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.
Instead say:“I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss about your responsibilities.
不要說:“這不歸我管。”
因為:要是你的上司讓你幹什麼,這就是你的工作了。
換句話:“現在我不知道自己的首要任務是什麼。”然後開始跟你的老闆討論一下自己手上的活。
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Don’t say:“This might sound stupid, but…”
undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.
Instead on your mind. It reinforces your credibility to present your ideas with confidence.
不要說:“這個主意可能很蠢,不過……”
因為:永遠不要用這種猶豫不決的話讓自己的點子看起來不值一提。
換句話:直接說出自己心中所想。信心十足地提出自己的想法能讓你顯得更有能力。
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Don’t say:“I don’t have time to talk to you.”
plain rude, in person or on the phone.
Instead say:“I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by when I’m done?” Graciously explain why you can’t talk now, and suggest catching up at an appointed time later. Let phone calls go to voice mail until you can give callers your undivided attention.
不要說:“我沒時間跟你聊天。”
因為:這太不禮貌了,不管是面對面還是電話裡。
換句話:“我手頭還有點事,做完了就過去找你怎麼樣?”禮貌地解釋為什麼現在不能說話,並建議晚些時候再聊。要是暫時沒時間,就不要接電話,讓對方直接去語音信箱留言即可。
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Bates, president and chief executive officer of Bates Communications, an executive-training firm in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and author ofSpeak Like a CEO***McGraw-Hill, $22,amazon***.
專家:Suzanne Bates,Bates溝通***一家位於馬薩諸塞州的高層培訓公司***總裁、CEO,著有《CEO的說話之道》一書。
三、面試篇:
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Don’t say:“My current boss is horrendous.”
unprofessional. Your interviewer might wonder when you’d start bad-mouthing her. For all you know, she and your current boss are old pals.
Instead say:“I’m ready for a new challenge” or a similarly positive remark.
不要說: “我現在的老闆糟糕透頂。”
因為: 這樣說很不專業。你的面試官可能會覺得今後你也會說他的壞話。從你的角度看,他們都是一國的。
換句話:“我覺得自己已經準備好接受新挑戰了。”或者類似的正面理由。
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Don’t say:“Do you think I’d fit in here?”
the interviewee, not the interviewer.
Instead say:“What do you enjoy about working here?” By all means ask questions, but prepare ones that demonstrate your genuine interest in the company.
不要說: “你覺得我會適合這個環境嗎?”
因為: 是你在被面試,不是面試官。
換句話: “你個人覺得這個工作環境最好的是什麼部分?”面試中你也可以提問,但最好提些能說明你對該公司非常感興趣的問題。
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Don’t say:“What are the hours like?” or “What’s the vacation policy?”
want to be seen as someone who focuses on getting the job done.
Instead say:“What’s the day-to-day like here?” Then, if you’ve really jumped through every hoop and time off still hasn’t been mentioned, say, “Can you tell me about the compensation and benefits package?”
不要說: “工作時間怎麼樣?”或者“假期是怎麼安排的?”
因為: 你應該表現出自己可以專心工作的樣子。
換句話: “日常工作環境是什麼樣的?”然後,你就可以得知該公司的工作環境了,要是對方沒提到休假的問題,可以說“請問公司的獎懲以及福利制度是怎麼樣的?”
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Mitchell, president of the Mitchell Organization, a corporate-etiquette training firm in Seattle, and author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Etiquette ***Alpha, $19,amazon***.
專家:Mary Mitchell,西雅圖公司禮儀培訓公司Mitchell公司的總裁,也是《禮儀指南》一書的作者。
四、孕嬰篇:
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Don’t say:“Are you pregnant?”
ask, she’s not, and you feel totally embarrassed for essentially pointing out that she’s overweight.
Instead say:“Hello” or “Great to see you” or “You look great.” Anything besides “Are you pregnant?” or “What’s the due date?” will do. Save yourself the humiliation and never ask.
不要說: “你懷孕了嗎?”
因為: 要是你問了,可她並沒懷,那就實在是太尷尬了,這不就是在說她太胖了嗎?
換句話: “你好啊”或“見到你太好了”或“你看起來好極了。”總之不要問“你懷孕了嗎?”或者“預產期幾號?”就行了。為免尷尬還是不要問這種問題吧。
.
Don’t say:“Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
issue can be controversial, and she may not want to discuss her decision publicly.
Instead . Unless you’re very close, don’t ask. If you slip, make up for the blunder by adding, “And do you feel comfortable telling me?”
不要說: “你打算餵母乳嗎?”
因為: 這種問題有點複雜,可能引發爭論,也有可能她會不想在大庭廣眾討論這些。
換句話: 什麼都別問。除非你倆特別親近,否則就什麼都別問。要是不小心問出了口,就補上一句:“跟我談這個不尷尬吧?”
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Don’t say:“Were your twins natural?” or “It must have been hard for your child’s birth parent to give him up.”
suggesting that natural conception is better than in vitro fertilization ***IVF*** or adoption.
Instead say:To a parent of multiples, try a light “Wow, you have your hands full!” To an adoptive parent, say the same stuff you would to any other parent: “She’s adorable!” or “How old is he?”
不要說: “你的雙胞胎是自然受孕的嗎?”或者“你寶寶的生身父母放棄他肯定特別難受。”
因為: 這麼說感覺好像自然受孕就比人工授精或者領養更好。
換句話: 對多胞胎的父母,可以輕鬆地說:“哇,這麼多肯定累死你了。”對收養的父母,說你對普通父母會說的話就行了,比如“她真可愛。”或者“他多大了?”
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Hahn, founder and chief executive officer of Conceive magazine.
專家:Kim Hahn,《孕期》雜誌創始人及CEO。
五、剩女篇:
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Don’t say:“You were too good for him.”
are basically saying she has bad taste. And you’ll be embarrassed if they ever patch it up.
Instead say:“His loss!” It gets the same point across without disparaging her judgment.
不要說: “他配不上你。”
因為: 這麼說就意味著你覺得她的品味很差。要是他倆又複合了,你就丟臉了。
換句話:“這是他的損失。”這句話的效果是一樣的,但又沒有鄙視她的選擇的意思。
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Don’t say:“I’m glad you got rid of him. I never liked him anyway.”
wonder about your fake adoration for him while they were together.
Instead say:“I’m confident you’ll find someone who will give you exactly what you want.” It focuses on what’s to come, not on the dud you’re glad she’s done with.
不要說: “你能甩了他我太高興了。我本來就不喜歡他。”
因為: 她會覺得之前他倆還在一起時你的善意很虛偽。
換句話: “你肯定能找到一個完全符合你要求的男人。”這句話的重點是未來,而且很支援她這樣做。
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Don’t say:“How could someone as perfect as you still be single?”
Why:A statement like this comes off as a backhanded compliment. What she hears is “What’s wrong with you?”
Instead say:“Seeing anyone?” If she’s tight-lipped about her love life, move on to other topics.
不要說: “你條件這麼好,怎麼還會單身啊?”
因為: 像這樣的讚美聽起來有點諷刺的感覺。她可能會聽成“你到底有什麼問題?”
換句話: “最近有目標嗎?”要是她對感情生活諱莫如深,就談別的吧。
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Marshall, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and the author of Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away***Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $23,amazon***.
專家:Bethany Marshall博士,比福利山地區的心理理療師,著有《忍無可忍:何時修補裂痕,何時慧劍斬情》。
六、內部戰爭篇:
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Don’t say:“You always” or “You never” or “You’re a [slob, jerk]” or “You’re wrong.”
in absolutes like “you always” and “you’re wrong” is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive and makes a bad fight worse.
Instead say:“I’m upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do so that this stops happening?” Starting with the pronoun I puts the focus on how you feel, not why he’s in the doghouse, and it will make him more receptive to fixing the problem.
不要說: “你總是……”“你從來都不會……”“你這個[沒出息的,混蛋……]”或者“你就是錯了。”
因為: 斬釘截鐵地說“你總是”或者“你就是錯了”這樣的話是在說他都是錯而你都是對,而惡語相向則會讓對方覺得非常無助,他會馬上轉為自我防禦,這會讓一場已經很糟的爭吵更加糟糕。
換句話: “我不高興是因為你又把髒盤子放水池不管了。到底怎麼樣才能讓你改了這個壞毛病呢?”用“我”字開始,將重點放在你自己的感受上,而不是為了讓他丟臉,這樣他會更加願意接受意見,解決問題。
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Don’t say:“If you really loved me, you would...”
more you treat your partner as if he’ll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you’ll be. Controlling your partner by imploring him to do something isn’t a good way to build intimacy.
Instead say:“I feel taken for granted when you don’t help around the house. I would feel better if we could…” The best way to keep a productive fight from becoming a dirty one is to be clear about why you’re upset and then offer a solution.
不要說: “要是你真的愛我,你就該……”
因為: 你越表現地好像他永遠不能滿足你,你就越不可能被滿足。用威脅哀求讓對方做你想讓他做的,這種控制對方的方法並不能鞏固兩人的親密關係。
換句話: “你不幫忙家務這讓我覺得很不被重視。要是我們能……我就會好受多了。”要想保證爭執是有建設性的而不是一團糟,最好的辦法是直截了當地說明你為什麼不高興,然後提供一個解決方案。
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Real, a family therapist in Newton, Massachusetts.
專家:Terrence Real,麻省家庭諮詢師。
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